4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
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My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!