I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Cheers Twitter.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Note to self: always read the final line
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.