My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
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My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”