I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
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Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me trying to “trust the process”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer: