I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
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RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.