Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten