[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
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Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I need to update my racial profile.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.