When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.