I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3