If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
that lip filler tho
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”