My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Worth the read.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.