Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
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Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
bugs when you lift up a rock
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Thanks to a fan for this one.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.