Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
You Might Also Like
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I think I’ll stand
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭