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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
HERE’S MARKY
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.