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@Smooheed

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

@CerebralWreck

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

@raoulvilla

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

@TheAndrewNadeau

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

@Henry_3000

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

@crazylikeanox

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator