You Might Also Like
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.