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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.