Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
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Brilliant!
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
how much for the angry fruit?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.