toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
These are my roll models.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Got him!
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
😂🤣😂🤣
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?