If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
You Might Also Like
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
found my next D&D character name
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism