The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
man: wait
time: no
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.