Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”