[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
How to draw a duck
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no