How to draw a duck
You Might Also Like
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
This made me chuckle.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)