April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”