Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
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Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
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Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
🤣dope
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.