I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.