Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Does your wife know you’re single?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish