[first day at the cia]
me: where鈥檚 the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 馃幎 party girls don鈥檛 get hurt 馃幎
boss: that鈥檚 sia
me: i know how it鈥檚 pronounced i work here
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won鈥檛 stop hissing
vet: ma鈥檃m this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She鈥檚 7.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: I鈥檓 not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I鈥檓 not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I鈥檓 no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it鈥檚 between 8am and 12pm.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Most people鈥檚 biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program鈥nd won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can鈥檛 make this shit up.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I鈥檓 not saying I have a drinking problem I鈥檓 proving it.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can鈥檛 stop thinking about it.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.