Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes![]()
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Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Children of the corn 🌽
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me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons