Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
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“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack