13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
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Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market