Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
You Might Also Like
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Shower sex be like:
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.