Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no