Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*