crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Carpe DM