ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
this has to be peak English
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.