there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
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My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.