I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
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Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?