Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
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Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
then why did i get this email
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?