If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick