“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.