Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
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I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I only treason on days ending in y
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”