If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
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1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife