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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”