I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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thinking about a very short hotdog
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.