[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
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I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
*limbos away from your hug*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”