Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
❤️🦆
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*