Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Lol.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters