horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
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If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Am I having a stroke?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.