The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.