When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.