PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
You Might Also Like
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”