[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
You Might Also Like
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.